Christmas Parties

I have two X-mass parties to attend. And to force upon M. But at least I can look forward to getting smashed on wine at one and witty conversation at the other. I would appreciate a Christmas bonus a lot more than hors 'd oeuvres and moderately priced wine, but oh well. I would just waste that money on two-buck-Chuck anyway, so I guess I'm actually getting more bang (better wine) for the buck this way.

Yet another favored website...

I've found yet another homophobic website to amuse my self with, it's not so great, but they did have this excellent headline; "Homosexuals begin campaign of terror and violence against churches in California and across US because of Prop 8 election loss." I read this and all I could think was, "Nobody told me! Why are the other sodomites always excluding me?!" Now I depressed, not only was the legitimacy of my marriage to M rejected by a slim margin of the electorate, but now the other homos are rejecting me preemptively from their terror campaign. Nobody wants me to have fun. :(

Just because

I love this sign!  It would make a really cool t-shirts too.  Hmmm... homemade Christmas gift idea...

Fuck yeah!

It's already Thursday! Oh, the work week is almost over. Last week was a short work week, which means things piled up around the office, which means I'm actually busyish, which means time just seems to fly. This why Fall/Winter is the best time of the year, my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving holiday, Christmas holiday, and New Year's. It makes the beginning of the actual new year such a let down though. No more days off, no gifts, no candy and slightly less boozing. What a disappointment to wake up on January 1st, your home full of newly acquired items, back in the habit of staying up all night and sleeping in, to then realize that you're going back to work the next day and you're going to go a long time without that intoxicating combination of holidays, gifts, food, and hooch. The only bright side is that I get a whole set of sick hours, or mini holidays as I call them.

How I wash dishes and how I do it wrong

I cannot wash dishes to save my life. Every time I do them I think I did a good job, only to have M point out the large pieces of food still stuck to the plates. My only defense is, "Well, at least the food has been thoroughly washed. I'd eat off of them" But my finicky wife disagrees and begins the long process of scraping crusty food off our good Ikea china.

Taking that trip at work...

Valium at work is wonderful. It's like a three martini lunch, but without the nausea. I feel calm, charming, cozy. Very nice. I think I'll call it the "Secretary Sedative" or the "Administrative Assistant's Aid." It's very much like night time cold med.s, but without the feeling that you could just pass out at any moment. I'm considering dissolving the pill in the coffee to mellow my coworkers, or take the pills, grind them up and put into the vents... *

* I'm not really considering any of this, those pills is mines.

My Botanica shopping list

1 penis shaped candle
1 vagina shaped candle
Candles for- stopping gossip, to Santa Muerte, successful court case, and the lonely soul.
Glow in the dark virgin Mary.
Milargros
Impotency powder
Mystery oils and soaps

If any my family is reading this, you essentially know what you're getting for X-mas from me.

100 people killed in TJ in two weeks

Mis padres-in-law own a house in TJ, and my dear M is always trying to convince me to go.  This is a bad neighborhood even by TJ standards, before the spike in violence.  During my mother-in-law's last visit (they live state side)  to her house involved finding a man in house across the dirt road who had been tortured.  The neighbors called an ambulance to pick him, he refused, and was dead the next day.  No fucking way are we going there anytime soon.  When Mexican drug cartel killings are making the US news (even if it is on NPR)that means it's really fucking bad.  Juarez has been getting a lot press too, but I haven't heard anything about mujeres de Juarez, which is much more shocking series of brutal murder, that seem to be carried out for just for sadism, that have been going on forever.
Anyway, I'm off track because I'm on valium. There is no fucking way I will be visiting M's TJ home, I don't care if they do have a concert wall shards of glass stuck in the top, we are soooo not going.

Doc. says I'm cured!

Well one of them.  And by cured, he meant that we've finally got the med.s more or less right.  The only side effect that I'm having, which I didn't even notice, was slightly slower heartbeat.  I can't wait for my next physical, this time I'll be able to list on the many, many pills I'm taking.  I feel like a real grown-up.  

It's official!

Not only are in we (US) in recession, we've been in recession for a while.  Our recession began last year!  Does that mean it's no longer unpatriotic to say the ""r" word", as my fav conservative radio station would say?  Probably not.  Facts, smacts, who needs them when you've got subjective truth?

So we've been in recession for a year now, I actually feel a bit relieved.  I actually managed to get, and keep, a job during a recession(so far, damn now I've jinxed it).  Yay me!  

Anyway here is the  recession checklist in the style of a "are you depressed" questionnaire;

Have you experienced economic contraction? Check

Has this lasted for a few quarters or more? Check

Then you are in recession.  

What horror movies have taught us

Don't do dumb shit, i.e. don't split up, in the dark, in the woods, hitchhiking, stealing small objects from museum collections. Basic Scout/ elementary school stuff.

An once of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If you knock your nemesis down, don't run away, jump on its neck, remove hands and feet, set it on fire, just make fucking kill it! And don't put you face next to its' to see if its still breathing.

If you notice that all the lights in your world are dim, or flickering, and that there are very few people around, leave. Go to fucking Denny's or something. But not the Denny's near my house, go the nicer crowded one down the street.

You all may have noticed a new trend, where virgins are not the only survivors of horror movies. But let's not chance it. If you should find your self stuck in a spooky cabin, with no outside communications, on the anniversary of a terrible event, don't do it. If you don't anger the monster/psycho watching you from inside the wall, at the very least it will you distracted, thus a vulnerable target. Same things goes for showers and sleeping. When an animal senses a predator, or that it might be time to visit the vet, that critter is not going to take a nap, or anything else, on the middle of the floor. They know better. 

Cell phone suddenly out of network? Backtrack until it is in network again.

Be polite to the creepy. Not so polite that you're picking up hitchhikers (remember they taught us not to do that in elementary school and Scouts!), but you know, regular polite. This is a lesson also learned in fairy tales.

Run! Run like your life depends on it, 'cause it does.

Packin' heat. Things getting weird? Get a Saturday Night Special. Jus' saying that a girly punch is nowhere near as effective as causing a massive exit wound to slow down your tormentor. Bonus points if you tuck it in your pants, that way psychos don't realize the need to disarm you until its too late! Or, if you're like me, and can't aim, use a shotgun. Hopefully lugging something like that around will act as a deterrent. Or maybe a sawed off shotgun with a bulky coat...Please note that this method probably won't work too well on ghost( Nightmare on Elm St., The Haunting, 13 Ghost, etc. ) demons( Hellraiser), creatures that can only be killed by fire( The Thing, 1982 version of it)

This is sooo much easier to think about then the recession.

Zombies and how to prepare for them

If there is one thing that all children, preteens, teens and twenty-somethings worry about, it's about zombie attacks. I cannot walk in down the street without thinking of zombie escape routes. Things like, if I hop that fence will I be safe for a little while or will I only trap myself? I can't look at a apartment without thinking, "Are the walls in the apartment thick enough that zombies' couldn't just punch through them?"

I've recently added a new technique to zombie proofing repertoire after watching 28 Days Later, destroy the lower staircase! Everyone on the ground floor is already screwed with their easily accessible windows, they're already as good as un-dead. This keeps zombies from accessing the higher levels of the building, for us lucky tenants that dwell in the the upper echelons of survivor society. Unless of course the zombies are them new running, jumping acrobat style zombies.

I think that this might actually be a coping mechanisms for me. Instead a serenity prayer kind of thing, I distract myself my by preparing monster attacks. It can be quite time consuming.

My trip down the Yellow Brick Road...

or my first weekend using valium, a.k.a "Mother's Little Helper", a.k.a "Executive Excedrin." I don't get to take the name brand drug, I get the generic yellow pill, hence Yellow Brick Road. It doesn't help with depression, but it's great for the anxiety, kind of like drinking. Should it be putting me in a party mood? Should I care?