My new desktop

Trust me,  this uploaded image pales in comparison to the vivid image that has been burned into my retinas.  I can see the negative version of it when I close my eyes.  And the text is actually rather smooth...

I love the "Keep Clam and Carry On" parody prints so much, and was so disappointed that I couldn't find a wallpaper for my desktop, I had to make this quickie version for work.   The text in the upper left conner is balanced out perfectly by all my folders.
It's a bit shoddy, yes, but I'll make a better one later today.

Less Drinking = More Baking

Actually it's no drinking, but that didn't sound as cute.  Anyway, since my nightly ritual of a drinking a bottle of wine while watching cartoons is no more, I've had to take up new nighttime hobbies.  So baking it is! At least for this week!  I had  been craving coffee cake, so I've made the pass few days now.  Not only does it make the house smell nice, it allows me to smugly bring my breakfast to work.  No more early morning donut runs for me!  As delicious as they are,  I'm spending my only cash on the bus.  I only carry about $5 in cash a week, so I have to make it last the full work week.  This is one of those cases where being lazy is good for my health. Sort of...

Quote of the Day

This is one from my morning bus ride.  A family three are sitting in the handicap section, an ancient man and woman, both Asian,  get on, so the family moves.  Suddenly this guy in the back say, "They stink like a motherfucker, those goddamn Chinese!  They got billions of dollars and live in penthouses!  But they gotta ride the goddamn bus, and make people move to the back!"  He was ignored by all the passengers.  He went on for a while, the rest of the bus ride actually, but he basically said the same things over and over, just changing his emphasis and volume.

This really cheered me up!

A happy news story from the Telegraph.


A Spanish mother has taken revenge on the man who raped her 13-year-old daughter at knifepoint by dousing him in petrol and setting him alight. He died of his injuries in hospital on Friday.

While there, he passed his victim's mother in the street and allegedly taunted her about the attack. He is said to have called out "How's your daughter?", before heading into a crowded bar.

Shortly after, the woman walked into the bar, poured a bottle of petrol over Soriano and lit a match. She watched as the flames engulfed him, before walking out.

The woman fled to Alicante, where she was arrested the same evening. When she appeared in court the next day in the town of Orihuela, she was cheered and clapped by a crowd, who shouted "Bravo!" and "Well done!"

Soriano suffered 60 per cent burns in the attack on June 13 and was airlifted to a specialist unit. He survived for 11 days before succumbing to his injuries.

A witness said, "...the woman walked in," he said. "She didn't acknowledge anyone but walked up to Soriano, who was drinking a coffee, put her hand on his shoulder and turned him round to face her.

"Then she pulled the bottle she was carrying from under her arm and began to tip it over him. At first I didn't realise what was happening, but then I smelt the petrol. I jumped up and tried to grab her, but when she struck a match I got clear.

"The petrol was in a pool around Soriano, and she threw the match into it. It ignited with a whoosh, and he screamed and staggered about covered in flames. As people rushed outside to escape the flames, she just looked at him, then turned and walked away."

You can read the whole thing here .

I'm not the only with good credit who's getting rate hikes and limits lowered!

I was sorta listening to the radio while working, when I overhead the words "AmEx" and "closing accounts." This got my attention immediately. I went to the NPR site and found this and this .  The article's good on its own, but the best part, for the most part, are the comments.  Everyone is getting hit with ridiculous rate and limits.
The part that is so troubling to me is that these measures were meant to keep people who are credit risk in line.  That if you fuck around, or are irresponsible, or just unlucky, you have to deal with these particular consequences.  But when you managed to stay on the straight and narrow path that is good credit, no matter how hard it is, to still get the same treatment what is your incentive?  Credit card companies are still a business, by doing this they are just alienating the clients they need.  I know it's a great short term fix, hike up the rates, get more money, lower the limits and lower your risk.  What a winning combination.  But then the ugly problem of long term consequences rears its ugly head...

New painting

Speaking (writing) of therapy, I'm working on a new painting. I'm still putting off the painting of actual people, I haven't even tried since... since I was a teenager. Good god, and it was with oils, and two really shitty paintbrushes that would leave little nylon strands everywhere. Anyway, I had the brilliant idea to paint bug silhouettes, since I like silhouettes and am terrified of bugs, and the level of skill to paint a simple silhouette is within my range. Granted, I've only spent about 20 minutes working on it, which really means it's no where near complete, but I hate it already. My other reason for the painting was I wanted to put more stuff on the walls. I was hoping that would diminish the pressure, since it would just decorative and not "art." But when I look at I think about how childish it looks, that it's not smooth enough, not bold enough. And rather than think of it as kind of sketch of what I want to accomplish, the beginning of something, I all I can see is how horrible it is and that there is no way to save it.
So my solution is to get all Valium-ed up and take another crack at this thing. And then, when it's finished, put it under the couch where only the rabbit can view it. I like to think of the space under the sofa as my gallery.

Hooray for Tuesdays! Even though it's already Wednesday. Hooray!

Because on Tuesdays I have therapy. And without therapy I'm a mess. Well, more of a mess. Emotionally. Which really effects (or is it affects?) everything, doesn't it? After a two week break from it I'm so thrilled to be back on the couch. It's like playing connect the dots with out current behaviors and past experiences so you get a clear image of what exactly is going on.

Moving on, I really, really, really wanted to drink yesterday. Thank goodness we only have things that taste terrible even when mixed. Whisky and Diet Shasta Cola are horrible together. If had something to make martinis with I probably would have downed half a bottle vodka ( Sadly, I do prefer flavored vodka martinis. Oh, the shame of it all!), easy. I did have some wine over the weekend, sparkling wine, because a co-worker gave me a bottle as a gift. But I didn't drink the whole bottle in one night, which is what I would normally do. I didn't even drink the whole thing by my self, M had some, and it took about three days to finish it.

Anxiety rising, rising...

Ka-boom!  Two weeks without seeing my therapist, and taking my meds irregularly, have not been kind to my psyche.  Not because I've slipped into a deep depression, but because I'm still going through the growing pains that are a part of the process.  My treatment makes me aware of why I think/feel the way I do, the pills give me some clarity that my own chemistry doesn't allow.
The part that I'm going through right now is the realization that I am, indeed, a grown woman who has every right to make her own decision without such fear of criticism, without the fear that left to my own devices  I won't just fuck my self over.  There was, however, a great deal of comfort in not really leading my own life.  I used, and still kind of do, wait for some sign of approval, because without it I cannot know if I am a success or a failure, if I am good or bad, if I am productive or if I'm just lazy.  But of course that way of thinking is the lazy way, isn't it?  Rather than make my own decision, rather than take all the effort necessary to pursue my own interest, by having to claim my actions, wants, needs, are justified in their own right, I just wait until someone, even if it someone I don't respect, to give me that nod of approval.   Eeeeww, run on sentence.

What I did this weekend...

I stared at M's brand new Betsy Johnson ankle boots with gold buttons.  So shinny!  I think I'm okay with not buying clothes and shoes (at least until my current flats dissolve like their predecessors) so as long as M is still getting new clothes.  She very quickly becoming living doll.  Cute hair, cute clothes, cute accessories, cute graduate program.  She's like the best ethnic Barbie ever!

What else, what else...
We went a'brunching on Saturday with X and M.V.  My new favorite food is now the breakfast quesadilla.   X and I took further notes on how not to run a boutique.  Do not buy crap from the the Santee Alleys and sell for three times the price, mix high and low prices, only the most unique items can go for top dollar, and display is so important, and good lighting is everybody's friend.  And I think books and magazine (that are for sell) scattered throughout help create ambiance and remind the customers that they want to be as cool as the mags and books.  And but cool "ethnic" for heaven's sake, Japanese magazines, communist stuff from China town, anything from a botanica.  One day, we will have our dream store.  And then we will promptly go out of business.  I can't wait...

We also, accidentally, went to see the new Art Car exhibit at LACMA.  We were going for our usual evening stroll around the tar pits, and saw them as we cut through the park to get by to our non-art car.

But the highlight of our weekend was winning tickets from KCRW to go see The Bird and the Bee at Bordello, which we've been wanting to go to forever, but now we finally have a really good reason, i.e. we'll get in for free.  Yay!