The part that I'm going through right now is the realization that I am, indeed, a grown woman who has every right to make her own decision without such fear of criticism, without the fear that left to my own devices I won't just fuck my self over. There was, however, a great deal of comfort in not really leading my own life. I used, and still kind of do, wait for some sign of approval, because without it I cannot know if I am a success or a failure, if I am good or bad, if I am productive or if I'm just lazy. But of course that way of thinking is the lazy way, isn't it? Rather than make my own decision, rather than take all the effort necessary to pursue my own interest, by having to claim my actions, wants, needs, are justified in their own right, I just wait until someone, even if it someone I don't respect, to give me that nod of approval. Eeeeww, run on sentence.
