Downside of pill popping

So, I've been on edge all week with the new lease and asking for a raise, etc.  So I've been taking quite a bit of valium to calm myself down.  However, all I want to do is rest.  I don't feel sleepy, I just want to lie down for a bit, then I wind sleeping for 20hrs straight.  I only ate snacks yesterday, a doughnut and cheesy tots and nothing else.  True that they do pack a good amount of calories into those small packages, but not really enough for a complete day's intake.

Anyway I would love one of these extremely cool USB flash drives;

Or better this one that be customized with your logo and url!

New painting

Speaking (writing) of therapy, I'm working on a new painting. I'm still putting off the painting of actual people, I haven't even tried since... since I was a teenager. Good god, and it was with oils, and two really shitty paintbrushes that would leave little nylon strands everywhere. Anyway, I had the brilliant idea to paint bug silhouettes, since I like silhouettes and am terrified of bugs, and the level of skill to paint a simple silhouette is within my range. Granted, I've only spent about 20 minutes working on it, which really means it's no where near complete, but I hate it already. My other reason for the painting was I wanted to put more stuff on the walls. I was hoping that would diminish the pressure, since it would just decorative and not "art." But when I look at I think about how childish it looks, that it's not smooth enough, not bold enough. And rather than think of it as kind of sketch of what I want to accomplish, the beginning of something, I all I can see is how horrible it is and that there is no way to save it.
So my solution is to get all Valium-ed up and take another crack at this thing. And then, when it's finished, put it under the couch where only the rabbit can view it. I like to think of the space under the sofa as my gallery.

Two valium later

I feel less like a squid in a human suit.  Or an octopus in a girl body.  I found this image on a very cool site, with what I think is a very original idea,  bioephemera.

It's by Dave Rau.  Anyway, now I have a new site to covet and envy.  It has got some of the best images ever, I think M will love it.

As promised...

a post with just words.  I can see why people mostly post pictures instead of typing anything, its way easier and looks cool.  But putting up images without substance is lazy, as opposed to writing without substance, which does force me to think about how to fill space...
Anyway, what's on my mind today?  Insomnia, it's back, in a big way.  I have to take pills to sleep, and even then they have very little effect.  I thought I should go with that nap plan I've been thinking about for years.  Fuck a regular bedtime, or 6 hours of continuous sleep, I'll just take naps.  It the sleep equivalent of snacking throughout the day.  I sleep so peacefully when I nap, I don't toss and turn, I don't worry, I don't lie there waiting for exhaustion to over take me.  I just just close my eyes and drift off.  My theory on this is because I resting when I actually feel tried and I don't feel the pressure of having to go to sleep or otherwise the next day will be fucked up.  Oh my god, sleeping has more pressure than I can deal with!  What a life of luxury I live...

This will be a very long work week

Three days off for Xmas, plus the weekend, two days off New Year's, plus the weekend. For the past two weeks I've only spent 40 hours in the office, as opposed to the usual 80+. But now everything goes back to normal. Granted I have vacation and sick time, but it's just not the same. This week the only things I have to look forward to are leaving early for the doctor, my new computer stuff to come in, payday, and pill popping. It is indeed a very glamours life I lead. How I wish I had an office, or at least an actual cubical to call my own, because then I could actually read books during the long, long day.

New Year's resolutions during a recession

Obviously my main resolution is to save money.  Which means I'll be brown bagging it for the rest of the year, which means no more fried cheese for lunch, which means I'll be eating health food because vegetables and fruit are cheap.  So its kinda of like I'd be taking care of two resolutions at once; save and eat better.  I also want to cut back on my drinking, I know that must come as a shock to you my dear readers, but I know the combo of drinks and pills are not good for my body.  This will also allow me to save a lot by not spending so much at clubs.  I would say this will save money at Trader Joe's, by not getting two buck Chuck every time I go there, but I like the fizzy drinks from there (and the Izzies from Target) which cost as much as wine.  If not more.
Taking a moment to talk about my compulsive drinking, I was home alone during the day on the 31st and I drank half a carton of orange juice and a bottle of wine, because that was all we had.  Then I had like 5 beers at a NYE party.  And a rum and coke. And half a martini.  And diet coke.  And a milk shake.   We started our evening at In n' Out, then a house party, then a club, then conked out at X's.  Other than having to use the really nasty bathroom at the goth club (I had no idea that it took so much strength to ... um... hover over a toilet, but when there are no seat covers, what's a girl to do?) there were no ill side effects.  Not even a trace of a hangover.  It appears that I drink and it affects M, because she did wake up with a headache.
Back to the topic of resolutions; everything will be fine if we can just keep our jobs for the rest of the year. So far it seems that we're in no danger, but if we hit that 10% unemployment rate, or an economic depression as it is called, it will be time for all our friends to move in to our studio (we've got rent control!)

Sooo sleepy

I'm already looking forward to my afternoon nap. One of the highlights of my Xmas vacation was sleeping in, napping and going to bed fairly early. I suppose sleep isn't the worst thing to be addicted to, but its getting old. Some combination of medication and stress has zapped my energy. Maybe it's because I haven't exercised in the past 6 month, I've been too sleepy to leave the house after work. Maybe I should take my vitamins, too. All I know is that coffee seems to have the ability to sooth me to sleep like warm milk. I don't really mean that, I think milk, especially warm milk, tastes gross, so its more of a wake-up than black coffee. Why do I love bitter ( I also love sour drinks) tasting things?

2 Valium + 1 and 1/2 martinis =

Total loss of balance, apparently. And lots of vomiting. Now I understand what they mean about the pills intensifying the effects of alcohol. Usually when I'm that kind of drunk, there's a feeling of desperate urgency and pleading with the booze gods that I'll just make it through the night. Not this time. I didn't care, I knew I would be fine. Despite the inability to walk.

The good news is that you don't care that you're throwing up, you're not upset about it. It doesn't even taste bad, not that it taste great, but you're kind of like "whatever body, why do you always try to be so dramatic?"
The other upside is that there's no accompanying hangover, because you can't imbibe that much before you get to the point of no return. And I think I threw up all the booze.

BTW, all this took place at the fun Xmas party. And the real loss of balance didn't occur until I got home.

Confession of a compulsive drinker

I drink compulsively.  Doesn't matter what it is, water, booze, tea, coffee, juice, soda, energy drinks, if it's around I will drink and then I will have another, and another, and another...  If I only have access to coffee, I'll 3-4 cups, regardless of how bad it taste.  Water?  Why I'm right next to water cooler, so as soon as the disposable cup gets halfway empty, it's time to freshen it up.  Energy drinks?  Despite no longer having need to stay up all night, in fact at this point in my life it's to my disadvantage, but I'll still drink 'em till I'm all jittery anyway.
This compulsion is only a problem because of alcohol, since I will drink that compulsively as well.  The good news is that tolerance is really high, but I'm sure ingesting so much poison is not good for my body.  One martini, try 4-6, all very strong, or a whole bottle of red wine, or 4 mojitos (which are about 1/2 rum when I make 'em and I always use tall glasses).  Thanks to my high tolerance, I'm a very productive drunk, household projects, crafts, elaborately organized underwear drawers  At first M and I both thought that my productive benders were just away to calm myself down, which they are of course, but not to the extent we thought.  It wasn't until I realized I drink this way all the time, albeit less harmful liquids.  So I've toned down the hard drinking a bit, no more weekday martinis and mojitos, only two glasses of wine instead of the whole bottle, because of M's concern for my health and because I'm taking 5-6 pills everyday, two of which are sedatives, so I shouldn't really be mixing all this stuff... anyway, this has really increased my soda and juice consumption.

I'm so outta of it right now

I thought that Xanax and Valium were supposed to be addictive, where one has to keep taking more and more to get the same effect.  I, however, seem to be going through the opposite effect.  I I get totally knocked out on when I take it, so much so, that I actually will fall asleep in the car (with M driving of course) which I've never been able to do in my entire life.   It's not calming me down anymore, it's knocking me the fuck out.  

Like today for example, I had my morning round of pills, and now I'm fantasying about using my sick time so I can go take a nap.   No, I'm not fantasying, I'm seriously considering it. 

Anxiety on the rise

Eeekk!  I can feel it, anxiety, creeping up down my spine like a mouse, or maybe it's more like the Tingler(from the Tingler starring Vincent Price)  Anyway, I've found a piece a of poetry to describe how I feel, or who I empathize with at the moment;

"Hickory Dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck one
The mouse ran down,
Hickory Dickory dock.

Hickory Dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck two
And down he flew,
Hickory Dickory dock.

Hickory Dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck three
And he did flee,
Hickory Dickory dock.

Hickory Dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck four,
He hit the floor,
Hickory Dickory dock.

Hickory Dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck five,
The mouse took a dive,
Hickory Dickory dock.

Hickory Dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck six,
That mouse, he split,
Hickory Dickory dock.

Hickory Dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck seven,
8, 9, 10, 11,
Hickory Dickory dock.

Hickory Dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
As twelve bells rang,
The mousie sprang,
Hickory Dickory dock.

Hickory Dickory dock,
"Why scamper?" asked the clock,
"You scare me so
I have to go!
Hickory Dickory dock."

That poor mouse, he needs some Valium, or Xanax, or wine to halt his obsessive, nerve wracking behavior.

I would like to thank my meds

I woke up late today, 7:50ish.  I'm supposed to be at work at 8AM.  Without the aid of the many pills that are slowly/rapidly changing my brain chemistry, I made it to work without bursting into tears.  That really would not have been possible without all the sedatives and mood stabilizers.  The best part is that I got dressed(including some make-up), caught the bus, got in the office about 8:20ish and was still the first person to work.  

The downside is that I kind of have to hype myself up a bit, "They're not going to fucking fire ME for being a few minutes late, I happen to be a very important cog..." Which means I'm manic-y right now, which means I'll be swinging into my panicky mode soon. Maybe my morning pill breakfast will stop that.

Taking that trip at work...

Valium at work is wonderful. It's like a three martini lunch, but without the nausea. I feel calm, charming, cozy. Very nice. I think I'll call it the "Secretary Sedative" or the "Administrative Assistant's Aid." It's very much like night time cold med.s, but without the feeling that you could just pass out at any moment. I'm considering dissolving the pill in the coffee to mellow my coworkers, or take the pills, grind them up and put into the vents... *

* I'm not really considering any of this, those pills is mines.

My trip down the Yellow Brick Road...

or my first weekend using valium, a.k.a "Mother's Little Helper", a.k.a "Executive Excedrin." I don't get to take the name brand drug, I get the generic yellow pill, hence Yellow Brick Road. It doesn't help with depression, but it's great for the anxiety, kind of like drinking. Should it be putting me in a party mood? Should I care?  

Weekend Pills

I didn't take my pills today until almost 1PM. I got at eight, I was actually doing laundry by 8:30, it was a productive morning. I was thinking about the pills, but I felt the breakfast combo of Oragina and grilled cheese just weren't right. After going to In N' Out for some professionally made grilled cheese, I took my meds. Which of course completely screwed up my concept of time. Despite knowing that I got up as though I had to go to work, I felt like my day didn't really start until 1PM. Now its almost 10PM, but it feels like a drowsy five to me.

Pills

I love pills!  I love my morning ritual of putting as many as I can in my mouth (3 at time!) and washing them down with soda.  Diet or regular, Coke, Pepsi, or Shasta.  At this point if I don't do this my whole day is off.  Which is why my weekends have such a strange, timeless, feel to them.  Not a good type of timelessness, one where the weekend feels like it might last forever, but one where morning, night, and afternoon seem to switch places with each other at random.  So why don't I just follow my pill ritual on the weekends? 

 I'll tell you why, I'm not at my desk, I'm not trying to look busy (although with all the pills, I might look more crazy than busy) , and I feel weird trying to consume my usual breakfast of soda, pills, "Oriental" snack crackers, and maybe a  donut at home.  I feel like I should actually eat breakfast style food.  And then I always sit on the couch at home too, so I lose that desky feel and have no easily accessible flat surface to rest my pill case on.  But the main reason, the real reason, is that my purse isn't on the floor next to me.  

I can't leave my purse on the floor, least the big eared, buck tooth, four pound beastie gets to it and chews the straps.  And without that purse open on the floor, with my pills peaking out at me, I just don't remember to do it.  I'm a creature of habit.