New painting

Speaking (writing) of therapy, I'm working on a new painting. I'm still putting off the painting of actual people, I haven't even tried since... since I was a teenager. Good god, and it was with oils, and two really shitty paintbrushes that would leave little nylon strands everywhere. Anyway, I had the brilliant idea to paint bug silhouettes, since I like silhouettes and am terrified of bugs, and the level of skill to paint a simple silhouette is within my range. Granted, I've only spent about 20 minutes working on it, which really means it's no where near complete, but I hate it already. My other reason for the painting was I wanted to put more stuff on the walls. I was hoping that would diminish the pressure, since it would just decorative and not "art." But when I look at I think about how childish it looks, that it's not smooth enough, not bold enough. And rather than think of it as kind of sketch of what I want to accomplish, the beginning of something, I all I can see is how horrible it is and that there is no way to save it.
So my solution is to get all Valium-ed up and take another crack at this thing. And then, when it's finished, put it under the couch where only the rabbit can view it. I like to think of the space under the sofa as my gallery.

Hooray for Tuesdays! Even though it's already Wednesday. Hooray!

Because on Tuesdays I have therapy. And without therapy I'm a mess. Well, more of a mess. Emotionally. Which really effects (or is it affects?) everything, doesn't it? After a two week break from it I'm so thrilled to be back on the couch. It's like playing connect the dots with out current behaviors and past experiences so you get a clear image of what exactly is going on.

Moving on, I really, really, really wanted to drink yesterday. Thank goodness we only have things that taste terrible even when mixed. Whisky and Diet Shasta Cola are horrible together. If had something to make martinis with I probably would have downed half a bottle vodka ( Sadly, I do prefer flavored vodka martinis. Oh, the shame of it all!), easy. I did have some wine over the weekend, sparkling wine, because a co-worker gave me a bottle as a gift. But I didn't drink the whole bottle in one night, which is what I would normally do. I didn't even drink the whole thing by my self, M had some, and it took about three days to finish it.

Anxiety rising, rising...

Ka-boom!  Two weeks without seeing my therapist, and taking my meds irregularly, have not been kind to my psyche.  Not because I've slipped into a deep depression, but because I'm still going through the growing pains that are a part of the process.  My treatment makes me aware of why I think/feel the way I do, the pills give me some clarity that my own chemistry doesn't allow.
The part that I'm going through right now is the realization that I am, indeed, a grown woman who has every right to make her own decision without such fear of criticism, without the fear that left to my own devices  I won't just fuck my self over.  There was, however, a great deal of comfort in not really leading my own life.  I used, and still kind of do, wait for some sign of approval, because without it I cannot know if I am a success or a failure, if I am good or bad, if I am productive or if I'm just lazy.  But of course that way of thinking is the lazy way, isn't it?  Rather than make my own decision, rather than take all the effort necessary to pursue my own interest, by having to claim my actions, wants, needs, are justified in their own right, I just wait until someone, even if it someone I don't respect, to give me that nod of approval.   Eeeeww, run on sentence.

What I did this weekend...

I stared at M's brand new Betsy Johnson ankle boots with gold buttons.  So shinny!  I think I'm okay with not buying clothes and shoes (at least until my current flats dissolve like their predecessors) so as long as M is still getting new clothes.  She very quickly becoming living doll.  Cute hair, cute clothes, cute accessories, cute graduate program.  She's like the best ethnic Barbie ever!

What else, what else...
We went a'brunching on Saturday with X and M.V.  My new favorite food is now the breakfast quesadilla.   X and I took further notes on how not to run a boutique.  Do not buy crap from the the Santee Alleys and sell for three times the price, mix high and low prices, only the most unique items can go for top dollar, and display is so important, and good lighting is everybody's friend.  And I think books and magazine (that are for sell) scattered throughout help create ambiance and remind the customers that they want to be as cool as the mags and books.  And but cool "ethnic" for heaven's sake, Japanese magazines, communist stuff from China town, anything from a botanica.  One day, we will have our dream store.  And then we will promptly go out of business.  I can't wait...

We also, accidentally, went to see the new Art Car exhibit at LACMA.  We were going for our usual evening stroll around the tar pits, and saw them as we cut through the park to get by to our non-art car.

But the highlight of our weekend was winning tickets from KCRW to go see The Bird and the Bee at Bordello, which we've been wanting to go to forever, but now we finally have a really good reason, i.e. we'll get in for free.  Yay!

Recession fun, sans alcohol

Resume / Craig's List prepping;
Nubile young woman of childbearing age wants to carry your young in her body cavity!
Candidate lacks any innate motherly instincts, so there will be no conflicts or akwardness when the neo-nate burst forth her once pristine body.
Candidate is not responsible for any mutations or other birth defects



Avoiding the outside world
Spending time at the library, but from home.  E-books and audio books are available at http://www.colapublib.org/, for LA county.  Its a great way to spend all day the library without ever having to get dressed or be around teenagers.  And its closed on Sundays,  which is really one the days where I need to be occupied or else I go a'spending.  




Tellin' tall tales or at least greatly exaggerating small events
Last night M was attacked by a gremlin!  What really happened was the rabbit jumped on her side of the bed in the middle of the night, which terrified M.  She shrieked, grabbed me, and crawled frantically down the bed until she could reach the light switch.  When the light went on, there was our tiny 4 pound rabbit, sitting on M's pillow, with ears pointing straight up.  
Saying that we have a gremlin that lives in our studio is just so much more interesting, isn't?

Free time

So I've got oodles of free time, now that I'm not drinking, so what habit should replace it?  Chain smoking?  Not a recession friendly hobby.  Knitting?  It does keep your hands busy, and it can be done while watching cartoons, but it does involve counting, so that's out.  Maniacally cleaning the studio?  It took me forever to break M's habit of obsessively cleaning our home, which I'm beginning to regret, but I shouldn't start what I convinced another to stop... what's a recession friendly, non sanity-sucking hobby? I know,  I'll become a housewife!  No, not the type that does anything useful, but the type that wears a glamours housecoat and those high heel slippers with the little fuzzy tufts on 'em.  Yes, this is indeed a brilliant idea.  Oh, I'll keep my day job, but the minute I walk through the security door, up the five flights of stairs, and through our front (and only) door I will transform  into my housewife persona.   All I need to complete the outfit is a bottle of valium(check!) and an ice cold martini... damn.

Two whole days without a glass of wine...

I feel like a savage.  No wine with dinner?  No wine while fiddling around with the computer?  While cleaning?  While watching movies?  While taking a bath?  X used to call me a lady of leisure, but I've gone and lost that title, haven't I?  First, I had to go and get a job, and now I'm not drinking.
Anyway, what else is going on?  Let's see...